(Even Baby Dr. Manhattan has the decency to wear a diaper.)


In between seeing Madea Goes To Jail for a fourth time, watching my DVR'd TBS marathon of Tyler Perry's House of Payne and drinking malt liquor, I went to see this Watchmen movie that all the nerds have been talking about for the past two years. I've never read the comic book (ed. note - graphic novel, you fag) and I've never reviewed a movie before. I've also never sat behind two fat white girls who spent the entire previews talking about their excitement over free popcorn refills. Until now.

The Watchmen is about a group of heroes — or are they villains?!?! — who exist in a darker, scarier and Republicanier 1980s, and they have to band together... you know what? I'm sorry, I can't do this. This movie was two hours and 41 minutes long, and it probably had mind-bending CGI and great acting, but I just can't get past all the blue dick. It was like watching eskimo bukakke. They even showed the hot white chick's tits at one point, but my mind just kept flashing blue dick the whole time. Now I know how Smurphette feels.

("And I was thinking after a back rub we could destroy the financial structure of the world and watch people crumble into violent mobs. Oh, and maybe Frappucinos!")


As the global economy falls to pieces, causing unemployment, homelessness, poverty and crime to rise to epic levels, so many of us are left to question why this is happening. While the cable news networks, pundits, politicians and bloggers all wag their fingers and cast their blame, it's good to know that someone out there is rational and logical enough to point the blame on the person who is really responsible for this — God.

David Wilkerson, a pastor you've never heard of and the author of a book you've never read, recently told his blog readers that we're all in a deep pile of holy doo doo, and not even the penitent man will pass this one.

"An earth-shattering calamity is about to happen," he writes. "It is going to be so frightening, we are all going to tremble – even the godliest among us."

Wilkerson's vision is of fires raging through New York City.

"It will engulf the whole megaplex, including areas of New Jersey and Connecticut. Major cities all across America will experience riots and blazing fires – such as we saw in Watts, Los Angeles, years ago," he explains. "There will be riots and fires in cities worldwide. There will be looting – including Times Square, New York City. What we are experiencing now is not a recession, not even a depression. We are under God’s wrath. In Psalm 11 it is written, "If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?"

Well there you have it, friends. God's pretty pissed at you for that thing you do when you think nobody is watching, so he's punishing the middle class for it. So what does Pastor Dave suggest we do to prepare for the inevitable economic fire and brimstone? Stockpile 30 days worth of food and necessities. Because if there's one thing that defies the wrath of God, it's a 20-pack of batteries and a jug of water. Take that, Yaweh!

(Doctors! Doctors! Come quick, the CDC has jobs for you!)

This morning as I was walking my dog, I was confronted by six homeless men who repeatedly asked me to give them spare change so they could eat or ride the bus or eat a bus. And I felt so bad that I couldn't help but think, "Wow, I really wish this recession would end so these guys can have a chance to change... and I hope it doesn't burn when they piss." Well thank goodness for the U.S. Senate and Congress because they passed another stimulus package yesterday, this time to the tune of $819 billion. And now Stinky Joe and Gummy Pete don't have to worry about their dicks rotting off because $400 million of that package was allotted for the prevention of STDs.

And those damn dirty evil Republicans are furious that this happened. Oh I can't wait to know why they're crying this time:

"Senate big spenders will never be underbid in wasting tax dollars. But how in the world does STD research create jobs? Wait. ... Don't answer that. I don't want to know," said Wesley Denton, an aide to Sen. Jim DeMint, South Carolina Republican.

Yeah, that's right you evil scum. You don't want to know because the truth will blow your mind.

But the Senate bill, on page 138 of the 431-page measure, directs $400 million to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention "for the screening and prevention of sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV."

See? It's for the CDC to hire more people to screen for AIDS and other STDs. That's great, because all of those people down at the day labor offices and hanging out in unemployment lines waiting on government assistance can break out their old lab coats and start curing cancer again.

(Damnit, raccoon, I said no teeth.)


Stop me if you've heard this one before: A Russian man and his friends walk into a forest. One friend says, "Hey, comrades, we should go get some women to sleep with." The man responds, "Nah, I'm just going to have sex with that raccoon over there." The man grabs the raccoon and tries to have sex with it, but the raccoon BITES HIS DICK OFF. Never heard that one before? That's because it just happened.

Alexander Kirilov, 44, said he was out carousing with friends when he decided to try and get busy with the furry (but feisty) animal. "When I saw the raccoon I thought I'd have some fun," he said to Moscow surgeons, who are attempting to put his mangled member back together.

So let that be a lesson to you Red, White & Dude kids out there. If you're going to try to have sex with a raccoon, make sure it's at least willing and consenting. Remember, biting your penis off means no.

(She should be on a milk carton under "MISSING: MTV's Sense if Decency.")


I don't know who Whitney Port is. I had never heard of her until I was lazily browsing celebrity gossip headlines, and I saw that her show, The City on MTV, was renewed despite shitty ratings. After some research, I discovered that this chick was spawned from one of those Hills shows, and now she pretends to be a fashion designer. I think. I may be wrong, but scientists later discovered that I DON'T CARE.

"I am dating on the show. It was something I was really nervous about," she said. "Clearly, I mean, who wants to date while having three cameras around you? I mean, it's not an ideal situation."

You do, you lying, vapid skank. Otherwise you wouldn't agree to do a contrived, scripted "reality" show about your pathetic life that nobody cares about except a small viewership of lonely teenage girls, who are most likely asleep from eating too many Cheetos and coming down from Red Bull highs. And this chick isn't even remotely good looking. She looks like Willa Ford crossed with the front of a Vespa.

That's right, I made a Willa Ford reference. You can read all about it in my new book, "Things That Make Me Hate Myself."

He may be a two-time National Champion and a Heisman Trophy winner, but Tim Tebow is indeed a douchebag. I know this picture has already been around on other sports blogs, but the name of this site isn't Red, White & Timely. And I know that a million things have already been said about it, but... LOOK AT HIS FUCKING CROCS!!! There you are, America. The face of college football. Makes me long for the days of the 7th Floor Crew.

(Wipe your chin off, McNabb.)

Enough with your Inauguration chatter, I say! We've got a Super Bowl just around the corner—you know, in another week and a half—and we need to fill our days with the most important Super Bowl coverage of all—making fun of the teams that didn't make it. And there is no team and fan base better to give shit to than the Philadelphia Eagles. In fact, they're so easy to make fun of that even Arizona Cardinals fans had some fun at Donovan McNabb's expense within the days prior to the NFC Championship game.

Cardinals fans Rex Perkins and Ryan Hanlon started off with some harmless fun, hanging a Cardinals flag from a tree outside McNabb's Chandler, Arizona, offseason home. McNabb thought it was fun and even left it hanging. Then the dastardly duo left a cardboard box with "Go Cards" and "Beat Philly" written on it. Again, McNabb just laughed it off. But then they did something so evil, so maniacal...

But McNabb stopped laughing when he went outside Saturday morning, smelled diesel fuel and realized someone had burned Cardinals cheers into his lawn, causing about $2,000 in damage.

This must have scared the crap out of McNabb, because he doesn't start smelling strange fumes until late in a big game when he realizes that he's shit his pants at least four times. However, it's not really fair to make fun of McNabb here when you take into account how the pair of Cardinals fans were eventually caught by the police.

...officers found an address label on the box that had been left, and it led to Chandler resident Rex Perkins, 37, who later admitted to the pranks.

His co-worker, Ryan Hanlon, 28, also admitted to the pranks.

Come on, Arizona fans. Act like you've been there before. Maybe next time, instead of a cardboard box with your address on it, you use a coffin and fill it with dead bald eagles. For instance, just last night I sent a box filled with torched Bibles to Tim Tebow's house and a note that read, "Thanks for costing me two grand, asshole." Then I signed it, "Love, Jesus." That should keep him confused for months.

I watched the majority of the inauguration coverage for Barack Obama yesterday, not because as a black man in America I felt that it was a vindication of a sad, brutal history, but because my boss told me that if I wanted to watch it while I was working, he would "understand." Honestly, until I see Wesley Snipes and Jim Brown standing on Capitol Hill eating bean pies while fucking white women I won't be feeling like a part of history. But I'll admit, this is a good start.

After what seemed like an eternity of ceremonial mumbo jumbo, we got to the most important part of this whole thing — Beyonce's fat ass. I want to flick a quarter at it just to see if two dimes and a nickel bounce back. And you have to give it to Obama, asking the crowd, "First of all, how good looking is my wife?" and then having Beyonce's fine caramel ass serenade them for their first dance. On top of that, he had Mariah Carey, Shakira, Mary J. Blige and Faith Hill sing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." Faith Hill! God never made a woman whiter than that, and Obama knows that.

Now go get me a Pepsi, Faith Hill, with your fine white ass.

After watching hours of awesome Inauguration footage — in between being booted from CNN's choppy live feed, listening briefly on FOX News' supposedly live feed and then finally getting a clear reception from MSN — I am super duper fired up for hope and change. In fact, I've become so inspired by the now classic Obama "HOPE" poster that decided to try some of my own, courtesy of ObamaIcon.Me.

(Set phasers to Idolatry.)

In case you've been living in outer space for the past year or you've just woken from a decade-long coma, today is the inauguration of President Barack Obama. According to 99.9% of the news outlets in America, history is being made today. Most of these people agree that the history being made is the swearing in of America's first black* president. However, I like to think the history being made is the rioting that will likely ensue when people in Washington D.C. realize that there is only one Port-o-Potty for every 6,000 people at the inauguration events. Have fun with that odor, friends.

Anywho, we'll be watching today's festivities and hopefully checking in to comment on them. If not, we'll be back tomorrow with full analysis and each of our thoughts on what this "historic" occasion really means to us. You know, if we can get past the executives of bailed out Wall Street companies pledging $50,000 each for inauguration parties. Man, that's some good government investing.

*half-black